Frozen. Are you there God?

Frozen.  That’s the way I feel.  Have you ever had someone you deeply love die?  Suddenly, the world is moving all around you, but you are frozen.  You literally feel like everything is moving all around you, but you cannot move.  Your mind is frozen.  Your body only moves when you think diligently about making it move.  You almost feel like you could forget to breath.  That’s the way I feel.

I think a part of me has died.  The happy part.  The hopeful part.  The joy filled part.  They are all dead.  I am going through the motions.  It is a real effort to just make it through the day.  I am trying to make my mind believe that God is here and that He has not forgotten about me.  I know in my heart that He is, but I sure wish He would show up where I could see Him.  I know He will in time.  I know He will show me how He has been here the entire time.  I am reminded of the following poem:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
‘You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’

The Lord replied,
‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.’  -Mary Stevenson)

I will claim the promise from God in Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave your nor forsake you.”

I have no joy. Are you there God?

Joy is defined as “the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.”  My life is all of those things.  I have many reasons to be happy.  Every day, I experience things that are exceptionally good.  But I have this dark cloud over me, and every time I catch myself experiencing joy, for feeling joy, I suddenly stop.  I feel like I don’t deserve joy because of what I have done in my past.  Or that I can’t feel joy because something bad is about to happen.  

The bible calls joy one of the fruits of the spirit. Galatians 5:22 says “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.”  Nehemiah 8:10 says “…Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”  And I know that the Enemy is here to rob me of my joy.  That he thrives when I worry.  He loves it when I am so distracted by my fearful thoughts that I miss the beautiful events in my life.  John 10:10 says “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Daily, I find myself losing my joy more and more.  I am so scared of what the future holds.  The Enemy knows this, and I just feel over powered by him.  I cannot make a single move without fear.  I have no hope for the future.  I feel as though life is done, and I am just a walking shell.  I feel like it is something more than depression, something bigger than that.

Dear Lord, please pull me out of this horrible place of fear, worry and great sadness.  I need you God.  I can’t do it myself.  I am so tired and have very little fight left in me.  God please help me make it through this time of doubt and unknowing.  God please help me to know, in my heart, to really know, that you will take care of me no matter what the outcome of my situation may be.  In Jesus name I pray.  Amen.

Where to begin? Are you there God?

Today I have felt “in limbo.”  Several ups, several downs.  It is very difficult to make changes.  It is even more difficult to know that you HAVE to change the way you are living.  It is difficult to try to act like everything is ok to the whole world, when you know there is absolutely nothing ok in your world.  I don't even know where to begin.

I saw my therapists today.  I basically just cried for 45 minutes.  We haven’t met together in some time, just talked on the phone.  But today I went to his office.  I told him where I am emotionally, mentally, and additively.  He is a Christian Counselor.  I have decided to only surround myself with Christians as long as I have a choice. 

Anyway, we talked about what to do, what actions to take.  We talked about addictive personalities.  In a way, I think I kind of wished he would have said that he didn’t think I had addictive tendencies.  But he didn’t.  He agreed that it sounds like I have a problem, and that I needed fixing.  It’s kind of difficult when the professionals confirm bad stuff.  I felt like I was pulling all this baggage out of an old box and just laying it on the floor.  It felt good in a way.

He did ask me some difficult questions.  Questions that I didn’t have answers for, but it was so good to talk and admit that I just don’t have all the answers.  In my heart, I know that God has the answers.  He holds the keys to my future in his hands.  But honestly, I am really scared about what the future looks like.  So, I am choosing to hold on to and claim the promise in Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  I look forward to the day that I have hope again and feel like I have a future again.

Broken. Are you there God?

Over the last few months, it has been brought to my attention that I am broken.  Not physically, but on the inside.  You know the place that really counts.  I have been struggling with spending money for years.  The issue has become worse and worse.  I have dug myself into deeper and deeper holes, and well, I have a problem.  Ok, I have an addiction. 

Technically, this condition is also known as Oniomania, a term for the compulsive desire to shop, more commonly referred to as compulsive shopping, shopping addiction, shopaholism, compulsive buying or CB.  Compulsive shopping may be considered an impulse control disorder, an obsessive-compulsive disorder, a bipolar disorder,^[2] or even a clinical addiction, depending on the clinical source.

I am finding that this addiction is a lot like any other.  It can ruin your relationships, make you sick, destroy the things you love and put everything at risk.  It can be as bad as being a drug addict, but in my case, I have nothing to show for it.  At least with drugs or alcohol addiction your body is usually worse for the wear.  With, for me anyway, I have nothing to show.  But if I have access to money, I spend it.  We got over $9,000 this year in tax refund (we had HUGE medical bills last year), and I have no idea where about $5,000 of it went to.  It brings a whole new meaning to the term “pissed it away.”

The worst part of it is that it has taken me so long to come to terms with the fact that it really is an addiction.  As a woman, we all joke about how our husbands think we spend too much money, or call each other a shopaholic in jest.  But for some of us it really is a serious issue.  For years I have been racing home to get a new article of clothing or pair of shoes into the closet before my husband got home.  I can’t count how many times I have torn off tags to clothes that I was never going to wear, and hid the tags at the bottom of the garbage can.  I wish I had a dollar for every time I raced to the bank to get money from one account and put it in another account before my husband tried to use his card.

Finally, one Saturday, after my world started falling in around me, my husband tried to use the card.  The bank account was empty.  The savings account was empty. And I was empty.  Done.  Exhausted.  Hurting.  Broken.

I am still learning so much about this addiction, but like with any addiction, admitting that I have a problem is the first step toward recovering.  I don’t know what to expect, but I am searching for the road to recovery.  I am seeing a therapist and last night I went to my first Celebrate Recovery meeting.  The one thing I do know is that God is going to walk this road with me.  He thinks I am worth saving, and he is going to hold my hand, and carry me if he has to, but I will recover from this addiction.

I'm Overwhelmed! Are you there God?

I was in church on Sunday and Pastor John was speaking on being Overwhelmed by the world.  BOY!  That about sums it up for me!!!

Today, I find myself totally and completely overwhelmed by life!  Come to find out, I am OVERwhelmed by life because I am UNDERwhelmed by Jesus.  The question asked by Pastor John was,Why is HE not enough? The bible says, (Col. 1:15-20) "15. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation.  16. For by him all things were created:  things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. 17. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.  18. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.  19. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20. and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross."

When we dive into this passage, this is what we found:
-Jesus is the Great Creator (Col 1:16)  He created everything, me, my life, my world, the sky, the grass, the people, all of it!  He created everything.  Just take a moment to try to wrap you head around that!  Lean back, and look around.  All of it would not be here if HE had not created it.  That's huge!  HE Is Enough!
-Jesus is the Great Sustainer (Col 1:17) So not only is He great enough to create everything around us and in us, He also is great enough to hold it together!  He holds the hair in our heads.  He holds our bodies to the floor.  He holds every little bitty molecule in just the right place to make all that he has created sustain it's existence.  This is a pretty big one to get a handle on.   HE Is Enough!
-Jesus is the Great Redeemer (Col 1:20)  He can completely change all things for the glory of God.  He gave his life on the cross to change our lives.  He gave his life for our sins.  He preforms miracles. He can heal the sick.  He can make the blind see.  In John 11, He raised Lazarus from the dead.  HE Is Enough!

So, if you are lost like me, you want to know, How Do I Make Jesus Enough?  In my mind, I know He is enough, but how do I feel it in my soul?  How do I sleep with ease at night knowing He is in control.  Well, friends, that I have not mastered yet, but here are a few things you can do to get started in the right direction.

-Pause (Ps. 46:10) "Be still and know that I am God,..."  So many times I find myself all stressed out and strung out, and realize that I have not talked to God in days.  It is not easy to be still. I need to be still.  I need to take a moment to realize that I want Him to be enough, but right now, I just don't feel like he is.  I feel alone, forgotten, confused, and lost.  Today, I just don't feel like Jesus is enough.  I obviously think he needs my help because I keep trying to do it myself.  Even if I "give it to Him" I tend to take it back.  As a sidebar, I believe that I only mess things up worse, but I still haven't learned to leave it alone.  Hebrews 11:5, God says "...Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you."  and wHen God says Never, He means Never.
-Pray (Phil. 4:6-7) "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.  and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard you hearts and minds in Christ Jesus,"  Every time you find yourself with a head full of fear or anger or doubt, replace them with prayers.  Pray about what you are thankful for.  Pray for someone hurting.  Pray for those who have hurt you.  Pray for a difficult relationship.  Pray for your family, for your kids.  Pray that your neighbor will finally mow their yard.  Just put your mind on Christ.  After a while, the Enemy will see that you have trained yourself to talk to God when your mind wants to worry and doubt.  The Enemy doesn't want us talking to God and seeking His help, so he will move on to something else to bother us.
-Praise (Ps. 42:11) "Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."  Praise him all in things.  If you are in a place where you just can't, and I have been there, I would sing a praise and worship song from church.  He is a glorious God.  He is a faithful God.  He is a merciful God.  He loves us more then anyone else ever has or ever will.  There are so many things to praise Him for!  But sometimes it is not easy.  Sing to him.  He loves your beautiful voice.  Worship His holy name.
-Proclaim (Prov. 18:21) "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."  If you are thinking negative thoughts, and speaking negative thoughts, your heart will hear them and believe them, and often times you will see these negative things come to pass.  That same mind can think Godly thoughts.  That same tongue can speak positive thoughts.  And your heart will hear how wonderful and loving our great God is.  So you will start giving more and more of yourself, and the baggage that we insist on carrying everywhere we go, gradually over to Christ Jesus. And not only will he help us carry that nasty baggage, He will carry it for us until we don't need it anymore.

Dear sweet Jesus, I am overwhelmed.  And I know that you are Enough and that you can handle my situation much better then I could ever imagine to.  God, I am giving it to you, again. I ask for your blessings on all who read this, and God I pray that they seek you in whatever situation they are dealing with.  Thank you Lord for carrying me, especially when my baggage is to heavy for me to carry myself.  I love you Jesus.  Amen