Some times, when I least expect it, I have this sudden fear set in on me that will take my breath away. It is scary. It is heart breaking. It makes me want to hide under the covers and not come out. This evening, I was driving with one of my kids and he said, out of the blue, "I love you mom." All I could think is how much I never wanted to leave them. I hope and pray that nothing will ever take me away from them.
With the legal issue I am dealing with, there is a chance that my punishment could involve jail time. It is still unbelievable to me that I got myself into such a horrible situation. I was so selfish. I was so sick. It kills me! I am so scared that I could be taken away from my family. It is paralyzing fear. It is fear like nothing I have ever experienced before.
Dear Lord,
Please calm my fears. I pray that you will keep me with my family. God, I am so scared. I know that you forgive me of my sins, but I am so afraid of what man will do to me. Please give everyone involved in my situation a heart of forgiveness and of mercy. God, please have mercy on me! In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Battling my thoughts. Are you there God?
This week, I have been much more clear in my thinking. Let me first say, for that one reason, I know God is there. I am still not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I am starting to see this horrible noose around my neck begin to loosen. I have been struggling this week with great fear, anxiety, and depression, but I have been to two meetings this week where the topic was God's grace.
My current situation has me tied in knots with fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of what the future holds. I understand that fear is not from God and not of God. So, I know that the Enemy is after my mind, and making me battle my thoughts constantly. None the less, I am fearful. If I start to feel half-way normal, I think, "Oh wait! Take cover! The next bomb has got to be about to drop!" I feel guilty for laughing (even with my kids). Who am I to laugh? I don't deserve to have a bit of fun! The fear leads to anxiety. The two combined result in fueling the ongoing depression I have dealt with for years.
I am seeking help for all this. I have started seeing a therapist weekly. I have started a 12 step program, and I am also attending a class that studies each of the 12 steps in depth. As I mentioned, the meetings this week both discussed God's grace:
God's grace is a gift, we just have to receive it. It is given to us freely. Christ paid the price to save us on the cross. Once you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, God's gift of grace is forever.
Romans 3:23-24 says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His Grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
1 Peter 1:13 "So prepare your minds for service and have self-control. All of your hope should be for the gift of grace that will be yours when Jesus Christ is shown to you.
Ephesians 2: 8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is a gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."
Dear Lord,
Please forgive me of my fear. I know that you love me. I know that you hear my prayers. Father God, you promised to supply my needs according to your riches in glory, and God, I need your blessings on my life. I need a miracle of mercy. God, I know you can change the hearts of man, so I ask that you give everyone who reads this a heart of courage and not fear. Give us blessings and show us your mercies. God, I thank you for your gift of grace, for your grace IS sufficient for me! In Jesus name, Amen.
My current situation has me tied in knots with fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of what the future holds. I understand that fear is not from God and not of God. So, I know that the Enemy is after my mind, and making me battle my thoughts constantly. None the less, I am fearful. If I start to feel half-way normal, I think, "Oh wait! Take cover! The next bomb has got to be about to drop!" I feel guilty for laughing (even with my kids). Who am I to laugh? I don't deserve to have a bit of fun! The fear leads to anxiety. The two combined result in fueling the ongoing depression I have dealt with for years.
I am seeking help for all this. I have started seeing a therapist weekly. I have started a 12 step program, and I am also attending a class that studies each of the 12 steps in depth. As I mentioned, the meetings this week both discussed God's grace:
God's grace is a gift, we just have to receive it. It is given to us freely. Christ paid the price to save us on the cross. Once you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, God's gift of grace is forever.
Romans 3:23-24 says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His Grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."
1 Peter 1:13 "So prepare your minds for service and have self-control. All of your hope should be for the gift of grace that will be yours when Jesus Christ is shown to you.
Ephesians 2: 8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is a gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."
Dear Lord,
Please forgive me of my fear. I know that you love me. I know that you hear my prayers. Father God, you promised to supply my needs according to your riches in glory, and God, I need your blessings on my life. I need a miracle of mercy. God, I know you can change the hearts of man, so I ask that you give everyone who reads this a heart of courage and not fear. Give us blessings and show us your mercies. God, I thank you for your gift of grace, for your grace IS sufficient for me! In Jesus name, Amen.
God is Good
When I started this blog I was at the very bottom of the lowest point I had ever been in my life. My first post on August 21st was the day after I had been arrested and gone to jail. WOW! If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I ever thought that would have, or could have, happened, the answer would have been an easy "NO!"
While I still can't discuss the WHY of the situation, I can say that I am so grateful that it motivated me to give my life back to God. I really had no idea how lost I have been for the last few years. And with each year that passed, I can now see, my life was only getting worse.
I was fortunate enough to have a therapist that I had seen several years ago after my father died. He, Todd, recommended that I find a Celebrate Recovery group to attend. I did, and I have been to no less then two meetings a week for the last 4 weeks. I know that that is not a very long period of time, but I feel so blessed that God has already started help me to understand my issues, or "hurts, habits and hang-ups" as they are called in Celebrate Recovery. God is so good!
God is helping me to see that I basically am a person that tends to be addictive and/or obsessive. I tend to not deal with the big issues that come at me in life. It's kind of like I carry a backpack and when I come across these life changing issues, we will call them rocks, I just put the rock in my backpack and carry it with me. I tell myself that I will deal with it later, but later never comes.
I have gotten very good at running from the rocks in my bag. Rather than ever dealing with them I found coping mechanisms to keep me too busy and preoccupied. I would isolate myself because of the shame I felt. I would often use alcohol and prescription drugs occasionally. I would use sex, and I would use food. I would also spend money like crazy. I was in deep denial that I was avoiding the deeper issues.
Sometimes doing these things would ease my pain. Often times they would allow an escape. These destructive behaviors would allow me to feel different about myself and get away from the self hate for a while. And it was so easy to do. Easy enough to develop into an addiction. And all the time I was practicing these behaviors I was getting further and further away from God.
Unbelievably, the worst one, the one that has done the most damage, was the spending. I have said for years that I am "bad with money." But I had no idea how it would eventually bring me to the lowest place I have ever been.
While I still can't discuss the WHY of the situation, I can say that I am so grateful that it motivated me to give my life back to God. I really had no idea how lost I have been for the last few years. And with each year that passed, I can now see, my life was only getting worse.
I was fortunate enough to have a therapist that I had seen several years ago after my father died. He, Todd, recommended that I find a Celebrate Recovery group to attend. I did, and I have been to no less then two meetings a week for the last 4 weeks. I know that that is not a very long period of time, but I feel so blessed that God has already started help me to understand my issues, or "hurts, habits and hang-ups" as they are called in Celebrate Recovery. God is so good!
God is helping me to see that I basically am a person that tends to be addictive and/or obsessive. I tend to not deal with the big issues that come at me in life. It's kind of like I carry a backpack and when I come across these life changing issues, we will call them rocks, I just put the rock in my backpack and carry it with me. I tell myself that I will deal with it later, but later never comes.
I have gotten very good at running from the rocks in my bag. Rather than ever dealing with them I found coping mechanisms to keep me too busy and preoccupied. I would isolate myself because of the shame I felt. I would often use alcohol and prescription drugs occasionally. I would use sex, and I would use food. I would also spend money like crazy. I was in deep denial that I was avoiding the deeper issues.
Sometimes doing these things would ease my pain. Often times they would allow an escape. These destructive behaviors would allow me to feel different about myself and get away from the self hate for a while. And it was so easy to do. Easy enough to develop into an addiction. And all the time I was practicing these behaviors I was getting further and further away from God.
Unbelievably, the worst one, the one that has done the most damage, was the spending. I have said for years that I am "bad with money." But I had no idea how it would eventually bring me to the lowest place I have ever been.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Asking for blessings. God IS here!
I have been studying the Prayer of Jabez. The first part of the prayer is about asking God for blessings. The book about it is very good. A short and easy read. The prayer can be found in I Chronicles 4:10. I highly recommend that you check into it.
Anyway, my prayer life has increased immensely in the last few weeks. I want to be to the point where I just carry on a conversation with God all day long. Going to him with everything. Every decision and every concern I have. Today, I was in the grocery story check out line. The lady in front of me could not get her card to approve the purchase she was trying to make. She kept trying to take things back out of the sack and trying the card again. After 2 or 3 minutes, the man behind me kind of mumbled, "what is going on up here?" I thought, "come on dude, the lady is having trouble." Then I prayed, "Lord, please bless this lady..." and before I got further, the guy said, "let me get up here and pay for this for her." I started crying. I had just asked and God had just given. I was amazed at how awesome God really is. The lady that was with this man looked at me, and I told her as the tears ran down my face, "I just started praying for God to bless her, and He did. Right here, right now." She said, "yep. That's how He does it." I said, "God is so good."
I continued to cry all the way out to my car. Just in awe of how amazing God is. And just how amazing prayer is.
Dear God,
I pray that you bless anyone who reads this. Whatever areas they are in need, sweet Father, bless them. I love you Lord. And thank you for blessing me. Amen.
Anyway, my prayer life has increased immensely in the last few weeks. I want to be to the point where I just carry on a conversation with God all day long. Going to him with everything. Every decision and every concern I have. Today, I was in the grocery story check out line. The lady in front of me could not get her card to approve the purchase she was trying to make. She kept trying to take things back out of the sack and trying the card again. After 2 or 3 minutes, the man behind me kind of mumbled, "what is going on up here?" I thought, "come on dude, the lady is having trouble." Then I prayed, "Lord, please bless this lady..." and before I got further, the guy said, "let me get up here and pay for this for her." I started crying. I had just asked and God had just given. I was amazed at how awesome God really is. The lady that was with this man looked at me, and I told her as the tears ran down my face, "I just started praying for God to bless her, and He did. Right here, right now." She said, "yep. That's how He does it." I said, "God is so good."
I continued to cry all the way out to my car. Just in awe of how amazing God is. And just how amazing prayer is.
Dear God,
I pray that you bless anyone who reads this. Whatever areas they are in need, sweet Father, bless them. I love you Lord. And thank you for blessing me. Amen.
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