Sudden Fear! Are you there God?

Some times, when I least expect it, I have this sudden fear set in on me that will take my breath away.  It is scary.  It is heart breaking.  It makes me want to hide under the covers and not come out.  This evening, I was driving with one of my kids and he said, out of the blue, "I love you mom."  All I could think is how much I never wanted to leave them.  I hope and pray that nothing will ever take me away from them.

With the legal issue I am dealing with, there is a chance that my punishment could involve jail time.  It is still unbelievable to me that I got myself into such a horrible situation.  I was so selfish.  I was so sick.  It kills me!  I am so scared that I could be taken away from my family.  It is paralyzing fear.  It is fear like nothing I have ever experienced before.

Dear Lord,
Please calm my fears.  I pray that you will keep me with my family.   God, I am so scared.  I know that you forgive me of my sins, but I am so afraid of what man will do to me.  Please give everyone involved in my situation a heart of forgiveness and of mercy.  God, please have mercy on me!  In Jesus name I pray.  Amen.

Battling my thoughts. Are you there God?

This week, I have been much more clear in my thinking.  Let me first say, for that one reason, I know God is there.  I am still not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I am starting to see this horrible noose around my neck begin to loosen.  I have been struggling this week with great fear, anxiety, and depression, but I have been to two meetings this week where the topic was God's grace.

My current situation has me tied in knots with fear.  Fear of the unknown and fear of what the future holds.  I understand that fear is not from God and not of God.  So, I know that the Enemy is after my mind, and making me battle my thoughts constantly.  None the less, I am fearful.  If I start to feel half-way normal, I think, "Oh wait!  Take cover!  The next bomb has got to be about to drop!"  I feel guilty for laughing (even with my kids).  Who am I to laugh?  I don't deserve to have a bit of fun!  The fear leads to anxiety.  The two combined result in fueling the ongoing depression I have dealt with for years.

I am seeking help for all this.  I have started seeing a therapist weekly.  I have started a 12 step program, and I am also attending a class that studies each of the 12 steps in depth.  As I mentioned, the meetings this week both discussed God's grace:  

God's grace is a gift, we just have to receive it.  It is given to us freely.  Christ paid the price to save us on the cross.  Once you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior, God's gift of grace is forever.

Romans 3:23-24 says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His Grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus."

1 Peter 1:13 "So prepare your minds for service and have self-control.  All of your hope should be for the gift of grace that will be yours when Jesus Christ is shown to you.

Ephesians 2: 8-9 "For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is a gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."


Dear Lord,
Please forgive me of my fear.  I know that you love me.  I know that you hear my prayers.  Father God, you promised to supply my needs according to your riches in glory, and God, I need your blessings on my life.  I need a miracle of mercy.  God, I know you can change the hearts of man, so I ask that you give everyone who reads this a heart of courage and not fear.  Give us blessings and show us your mercies.  God, I thank you for your gift of grace, for your grace IS sufficient for me!  In Jesus name, Amen.

God is Good

When I started this blog I was at the very bottom of the lowest point I had ever been in my life.  My first post on August 21st was the day after I had been arrested and gone to jail.  WOW!  If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I ever thought that would have, or could have, happened, the answer would have been an easy "NO!"

While I still can't discuss the WHY of the situation, I can say that I am so grateful that it motivated me to give my life back to God.  I really had no idea how lost I have been for the last few years.  And with each year that passed, I can now see, my life was only getting worse. 

I was fortunate enough to have a therapist that I had seen several years ago after my father died.  He, Todd, recommended that I find a Celebrate Recovery group to attend.  I did, and I have been to no less then two meetings a week for the last 4 weeks.  I know that that is not a very long period of time, but I feel so blessed that God has already started help me to understand my issues, or "hurts, habits and hang-ups" as they are called in Celebrate Recovery.  God is so good!

God is helping me to see that I basically am a person that tends to be addictive and/or obsessive.  I tend to not deal with the big issues that come at me in life.  It's kind of like I carry a backpack and when I come across these life changing issues, we will call them rocks, I just put the rock in my backpack and carry it with me.  I tell myself that I will deal with it later, but later never comes. 

I have gotten very good at running from the rocks in my bag.  Rather than ever dealing with them I found coping mechanisms to keep me too busy and preoccupied.  I would isolate myself because of the shame I felt.  I would often use alcohol and prescription drugs occasionally.  I would use sex, and I would use food.  I would also spend money like crazy.  I was in deep denial that I was avoiding the deeper issues.

Sometimes doing these things would ease my pain.  Often times they would allow an escape.  These destructive behaviors would allow me to feel different about myself and get away from the self hate for a while.  And it was so easy to do.  Easy enough to develop into an addiction.  And all the time I was practicing these behaviors I was getting further and further away from God. 

Unbelievably, the worst one, the one that has done the most damage, was the spending.  I have said for years that I am "bad with money."  But I had no idea how it would eventually bring me to the lowest place I have ever been. 

Asking for blessings. God IS here!

I have been studying the Prayer of Jabez.  The first part of the prayer is about asking God for blessings.  The book about it is very good.  A short and easy read.  The prayer can be found in I Chronicles 4:10.  I highly recommend that you check into it.

Anyway, my prayer life has increased immensely in the last few weeks.  I want to be to the point where I just carry on a conversation with God all day long.  Going to him with everything.  Every decision and every concern I have.  Today, I was in the grocery story check out line.  The lady in front of me could not get her card to approve the purchase she was trying to make.  She kept trying to take things back out of the sack and trying the card again.  After 2 or 3 minutes, the man behind me kind of mumbled, "what is going on up here?"  I thought, "come on dude, the lady is having trouble."  Then I prayed, "Lord, please bless this lady..." and before I got further, the guy said, "let me get up here and pay for this for her."  I started crying.  I had just asked and God had just given.  I was amazed at how awesome God really is.  The lady that was with this man looked at me, and I told her as the tears ran down my face, "I just started praying for God to bless her, and He did.  Right here, right now."  She said, "yep.  That's how He does it."  I said, "God is so good."

I continued to cry all the way out to my car.  Just in awe of how amazing God is.  And just how amazing prayer is.

Dear God,
I pray that you bless anyone who reads this.  Whatever areas they are in need, sweet Father, bless them.  I love you Lord.  And thank you for blessing me.  Amen.

Frozen. Are you there God?

Frozen.  That’s the way I feel.  Have you ever had someone you deeply love die?  Suddenly, the world is moving all around you, but you are frozen.  You literally feel like everything is moving all around you, but you cannot move.  Your mind is frozen.  Your body only moves when you think diligently about making it move.  You almost feel like you could forget to breath.  That’s the way I feel.

I think a part of me has died.  The happy part.  The hopeful part.  The joy filled part.  They are all dead.  I am going through the motions.  It is a real effort to just make it through the day.  I am trying to make my mind believe that God is here and that He has not forgotten about me.  I know in my heart that He is, but I sure wish He would show up where I could see Him.  I know He will in time.  I know He will show me how He has been here the entire time.  I am reminded of the following poem:

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
‘You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?’

The Lord replied,
‘The times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you.’  -Mary Stevenson)

I will claim the promise from God in Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)

“Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave your nor forsake you.”

I have no joy. Are you there God?

Joy is defined as “the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.”  My life is all of those things.  I have many reasons to be happy.  Every day, I experience things that are exceptionally good.  But I have this dark cloud over me, and every time I catch myself experiencing joy, for feeling joy, I suddenly stop.  I feel like I don’t deserve joy because of what I have done in my past.  Or that I can’t feel joy because something bad is about to happen.  

The bible calls joy one of the fruits of the spirit. Galatians 5:22 says “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.”  Nehemiah 8:10 says “…Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”  And I know that the Enemy is here to rob me of my joy.  That he thrives when I worry.  He loves it when I am so distracted by my fearful thoughts that I miss the beautiful events in my life.  John 10:10 says “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Daily, I find myself losing my joy more and more.  I am so scared of what the future holds.  The Enemy knows this, and I just feel over powered by him.  I cannot make a single move without fear.  I have no hope for the future.  I feel as though life is done, and I am just a walking shell.  I feel like it is something more than depression, something bigger than that.

Dear Lord, please pull me out of this horrible place of fear, worry and great sadness.  I need you God.  I can’t do it myself.  I am so tired and have very little fight left in me.  God please help me make it through this time of doubt and unknowing.  God please help me to know, in my heart, to really know, that you will take care of me no matter what the outcome of my situation may be.  In Jesus name I pray.  Amen.

Where to begin? Are you there God?

Today I have felt “in limbo.”  Several ups, several downs.  It is very difficult to make changes.  It is even more difficult to know that you HAVE to change the way you are living.  It is difficult to try to act like everything is ok to the whole world, when you know there is absolutely nothing ok in your world.  I don't even know where to begin.

I saw my therapists today.  I basically just cried for 45 minutes.  We haven’t met together in some time, just talked on the phone.  But today I went to his office.  I told him where I am emotionally, mentally, and additively.  He is a Christian Counselor.  I have decided to only surround myself with Christians as long as I have a choice. 

Anyway, we talked about what to do, what actions to take.  We talked about addictive personalities.  In a way, I think I kind of wished he would have said that he didn’t think I had addictive tendencies.  But he didn’t.  He agreed that it sounds like I have a problem, and that I needed fixing.  It’s kind of difficult when the professionals confirm bad stuff.  I felt like I was pulling all this baggage out of an old box and just laying it on the floor.  It felt good in a way.

He did ask me some difficult questions.  Questions that I didn’t have answers for, but it was so good to talk and admit that I just don’t have all the answers.  In my heart, I know that God has the answers.  He holds the keys to my future in his hands.  But honestly, I am really scared about what the future looks like.  So, I am choosing to hold on to and claim the promise in Jeremiah 29:11 “ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  I look forward to the day that I have hope again and feel like I have a future again.