God is Good

When I started this blog I was at the very bottom of the lowest point I had ever been in my life.  My first post on August 21st was the day after I had been arrested and gone to jail.  WOW!  If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I ever thought that would have, or could have, happened, the answer would have been an easy "NO!"

While I still can't discuss the WHY of the situation, I can say that I am so grateful that it motivated me to give my life back to God.  I really had no idea how lost I have been for the last few years.  And with each year that passed, I can now see, my life was only getting worse. 

I was fortunate enough to have a therapist that I had seen several years ago after my father died.  He, Todd, recommended that I find a Celebrate Recovery group to attend.  I did, and I have been to no less then two meetings a week for the last 4 weeks.  I know that that is not a very long period of time, but I feel so blessed that God has already started help me to understand my issues, or "hurts, habits and hang-ups" as they are called in Celebrate Recovery.  God is so good!

God is helping me to see that I basically am a person that tends to be addictive and/or obsessive.  I tend to not deal with the big issues that come at me in life.  It's kind of like I carry a backpack and when I come across these life changing issues, we will call them rocks, I just put the rock in my backpack and carry it with me.  I tell myself that I will deal with it later, but later never comes. 

I have gotten very good at running from the rocks in my bag.  Rather than ever dealing with them I found coping mechanisms to keep me too busy and preoccupied.  I would isolate myself because of the shame I felt.  I would often use alcohol and prescription drugs occasionally.  I would use sex, and I would use food.  I would also spend money like crazy.  I was in deep denial that I was avoiding the deeper issues.

Sometimes doing these things would ease my pain.  Often times they would allow an escape.  These destructive behaviors would allow me to feel different about myself and get away from the self hate for a while.  And it was so easy to do.  Easy enough to develop into an addiction.  And all the time I was practicing these behaviors I was getting further and further away from God. 

Unbelievably, the worst one, the one that has done the most damage, was the spending.  I have said for years that I am "bad with money."  But I had no idea how it would eventually bring me to the lowest place I have ever been.